embrace winter

I wake up feeling sad
third day in a row,
for no reason in particular
(though very likely hormones)
and also seasonal -
each year as winter rolls round
I fight with the dark mornings and the short afternoons
I fight with myself to do and be more
than is needed. than I am.
I find myself disappointed a lot of time.

this morning I cleared out some bags,
I tidied up the bottom kitchen shelf
and gathered up at least twelve
separate pieces of paper
with earnest lists and to-dos,
sketches and dreams scrawled across them -
I love to plan you see
but sometimes it's too much
it's too often,
or it's not enough -
or it's forgotten...

my plans for July are not
concretely laid - I am trying
instead to commit myself
to a month of wintering...
a re-learning the soulful
and nourishing acts of
restfulness,
kindness,
conservation,
balance,
mindfulness.

wherein I retreat from things that get me down

like checking my emails a dozen times
facebook-ing, getting to bed too late,
eating quickly, loosing my temper,
worrying over things I can't change,
planning too many tasks for the day -

and reinstate things I love (and miss),

like reading words on paper,
stretching on my hands and feet,
writing letters to friends,
digging in the soil,
pray,
eating lunch in the sun,
imaging scenes in blue pen...

a new month -
and always a gift to me
to begin again,

to accept my slow and wintering self
stop trying to "keep it all together"
(which I can never do anyway)
and be satisfied with a gentle hold
on some things,
and a heart rooted in loving-grace.